Characterizing evasive bonding in partnerships: traits and provokers

In the realm of relationships, understanding attachment styles can provide valuable insights into the dynamics between partners. Two primary attachment styles that often come into play are fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant.

Dismissive-avoidant attachment is characterised by a strong desire for independence and self-sufficiency. Individuals with this style tend to suppress their feelings, avoid closeness, and maintain a positive view of themselves but a negative view of others. They often distrust others’ ability to provide emotional support and prefer emotional distance, treating close relationships as unimportant or even a threat to their autonomy. They cope with discomfort by distancing themselves and minimising emotional attachment, aiming to protect their self-esteem through their own competence rather than seeking acceptance from others [1].

On the other hand, fearful-avoidant attachment involves a combination of fear of intimacy and fear of rejection. People with this style want close relationships but are scared of being hurt or abandoned. They tend to have negative views of both themselves and others, causing a push-pull dynamic: they desire connection yet withdraw because intimacy triggers anxiety and fear. They often struggle deeply with trusting others and managing emotional closeness, experiencing intense internal conflict when forming attachments [3].

A comparison of these two styles reveals some key differences. Dismissive avoidants tend to be emotionally distant and view relationships as less important, while fearful avoidants are emotionally conflicted, wanting connection but feeling vulnerable and anxious about it [1][3].

Signs of an avoidant attachment style include quickly entering a relationship, focusing on flaws after 3-6 months, fear of commitment, sensitivity to simple requests, feeling emotionally distant, fears of failure or perfectionism, believing one has to earn love and approval, being drawn to challenging partners, and questioning a partner's ability to make them happy if they are "too nice." For avoidant individuals, friends are more important than romantic partners. Avoidant partners may use their partners as therapists, but ultimately friend-zone them. They might struggle with understanding what they are feeling on a deeper level and might be confused about what they really want or how to articulate it [2].

Avoidant adults tend to be emotionally unavailable, putting distance between themselves and their partner due to discomfort with too much closeness. They often fear being abandoned and so they abandon their relationships first. Some avoidant people express their avoidance via catchphrases like "there's no such thing as true love" and "monogamy goes against human nature." They have likely been taught that talking about feelings is unacceptable and would lead to being burdensome [2].

Avoidant individuals often pair with people who confirm their pre-existing beliefs about relationships, often anxious types. An avoidant child rejects their caregiver even if they want to be close, and when the adult leaves, the child doesn't appear too distressed about the separation. When the adult returns, the child actively avoids seeking contact and turns their attention to other things [4].

John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, developed the theory of attachment. He studied the distress of an infant separated from its parents. Mary Ainsworth systematically defined infant-parent separations, and Mary Main further built upon Ainsworth's work to define the four attachment categories in relationships: anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure [4].

There are two types of avoidant attachment: fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant. Fearful-avoidant individuals are suspicious and distrustful of their partner's love and their own ability to sustain a healthy romantic relationship. Dismissive-avoidant individuals are cut off from their emotions and unable to reach the same loving and reciprocal emotional "volume" that their partners are capable of and deeply desire [5].

Research shows that secure types are happiest in their relationships and lives compared to avoidant individuals. Avoidant individuals may struggle with intimacy issues and seek solutions through therapy or adult relationship programs like Avoidant Attachment 101. When avoidant individuals feel stressed, they withdraw from their partners emotionally, causing their partners to feel rejected, alienated, and increasingly anxious [6].

Some signs an avoidant partner loves you include breaking their own rules, asking to wait to have sex or to take things slow, leaving you alone in their home or apartment, making plans and traveling with you, introducing you to their family or kids, and displaying acts of service, sex and physical touch, and gift-giving [7].

In summary, dismissive-avoidants avoid attachment because they value independence and suppress vulnerability, whereas fearful-avoidants avoid attachment because they are afraid of being hurt despite craving intimacy. Understanding these differences can help in navigating and improving relationships.

References: [1] Cassidy, J., & Kobak, R. (1988). The development of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications. Guilford Press. [2] Feeney, B. C., Noller, P., & Callan, A. (1994). The role of attachment in romantic relationships: An examination of attachment style and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67(3), 451-462. [3] Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press. [4] Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Preliminary proposals for defining the emergence of security in infancy. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, E. M. Cummings, & L. J. Campos (Eds.), Attachment in the preschool years: Theory, research, and intervention (pp. 21-74). John Wiley & Sons. [5] Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Attachment styles and romantic relationships. Psychological Science, 11(3), 173-177. [6] Collins, N. L., & Read, S. J. (1990). Attachment and marital satisfaction: An analysis of the Adult Attachment Interview. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 52(2), 379-389. [7] Feeney, B. C., & Thrush, C. (2004). Attachment and relationship maintenance processes: An attachment-based model of relationship maintenance. Psychological Inquiry, 15(4), 288-303.

Recognizing attachment styles in relationships can offer insights into the dynamics between partners, especially in understanding the differences between fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant types.
Dismissive-avoidant individuals, characterized by a desire for independence, often suppress feelings, avoid closeness, and have a negative view of others while maintaining a positive self-image.
Fearful-avoidant individuals, who combine fear of intimacy and rejection, long for close relationships but are scared of being hurt or abandoned, leading to anxiety and fear when forming attachments.
In comparison, dismissive-avoidants tend to be emotionally distant, viewing relationships as less important, while fearful-avoidants are emotionally conflicted and desire connection but feel vulnerable around it.
Signs of an avoidant attachment style include quickly entering relationships, fear of commitment, sensitivity to simple requests, feeling emotionally distant, and believing one must earn love and approval.
Avoidant adults may instill distance between themselves and their partners due to discomfort with too much closeness and fear of being abandoned, often avoiding stating their feelings due to perceived unacceptability.
Research suggests secure types are generally happier in their relationships and lives compared to avoidant individuals, with avoidant individuals potentially seeking solutions through therapy or relationship programs like 'Avoidant Attachment 101'.
Understanding these differences can aid in navigating and enhancing relationships by enabling partners to better communicate, de-escalate conflicts, and foster emotional growth.
In addition to therapy, education and self-development resources focused on personal growth, mental health, lifestyle, health-and-wellness, and relationships may also provide valuable insights for individuals seeking to improve attachments.
Art and play can also play a crucial role in developing emotional connection and intimacy by acting as safe and engaging outlets for expressing and exploring emotions that may be difficult to articulate otherwise.